congo_red_49
Ale Ape
I was asked to do this a little while ago, when my run of matchday threads came to an end, but being a lazy git, I never got around to it.
However, in my ongoing quest to raise even the slightest wry smile using my immense wit...I present to you the completed list.
(And yes, I've recycled a lot of these from the matchday threads I did write, but nothing goes to waste in the Hut of Congo, so consider this an anthology, or a best of with some new tracks mixed in...you get what you pay for).
Fulham – Super Bock
Portraying itself as a trendy, sophisticated, continental lager – but tasting just like every other bland, mass produced lager – Super Bock is rather over-carbonated and unlikely to ever really compete with the ‘Premier League’ lagers.
AFC Bournemouth - Bacchus Kriek
A beer that conveys an image of cool, continental sophistication and looks like it will be a lovely refreshing drink, is nothing but a very sour disappointment, tasting nothing like beer or cherries and is presented in unnecessarily showy packaging. You’d think it would only be available in trendy craft beer shops, with a bloke sporting a massive beard behind the counter, at £10 for a 250ml bottle, but is actually available in Sainsburys for £2.50.
Nottingham Forest – Shipstones Original
It had to be didn’t it? A once proud Nottingham Tradition, that fell on hard times, with the recipe trading hands between several breweries who valued the brand name but didn’t understand the beer. Now back in the hands of a business that knows what it is all about and trying hard to restore this beers’ fine heritage. Did I mention it’s the tastiest beer on this list?
Huddersfield – Magic Rock ‘Dark Arts’ Stout
Looks tempting doesn’t it? This rich stout will lure you in with seductive, smooth and deep chocolate flavours…just one more Dave…until you wake up next morning with a raging hangover and the shits.
Sheffield United – Stones Bitter
Old, long established and bitter. You can’t quite believe it’s still around as you thought it was retired long ago. Yet, there it is.
Luton – Beavertown ‘Neck Oil’
A beer from a small craft brewery that sells well enough to compete with much bigger rivals, whilst remaining a bit quirky. Has recently tarnished it’s image with rumours that it has been using cheapened ingredients.
Middlesbrough – Wychwood ‘Hobgoblin’
A ruby ale, that enjoyed being a period of being a top selling ale for a while, until other Breweries moved in other, more successful directions and left them behind.
Millwall – Fuller’s ‘London Pride’
Self-declared ‘Pride of London’, with a enough devoted drinkers to keep the name alive, despite the Brewery having sold it’s soul to the mass-producing global beer devil some years ago.
Blackburn – Thwaites ‘Lancaster Bomber’
A not particularly interesting traditional ale, which makes a big deal back of being brewed in Blackburn, but has now changed hands amongst several millionaires and lost all of it's character.
West Brom – Sadler’s ‘Peaky Blinder’ Pale Ale
A flavourless attempt at a pale ale, that sells well due to it’s association with a TV program beloved by people obsessed with a certain period history but out of touch with reality.
Coventry – Marstons ‘Old Empire’ IPA
An old, long-established beer that has had production moved around several breweries by an owner that didn’t understand how much this damaged its character and reputation. Still, it’s pretty strong and it has a random elephant on the bottle.
QPR – Camden Hells
A beer that has been around forever, but tries hard to separate itself in a crowded market by presenting itself as being new, modern and trendy. The irony is, it’s a decent beer that should really be focused on it’s substance instead of being preoccupied with style.
Stoke – Titanic Plum Porter
A beer that enjoyed a short period of success, winning awards despite being quite niche and against the current trends. Faded from prominence as the ingredients have been cheapened and replaced by artificial and over-sweet substitutes, to the point that it’s barely drinkable.
Preston – Greene King IPA
A beer that just seems to exist. It’s always available in every pub and supermarket, yet you never see anyone drinking it. When you do try it, it’s so unremarkable that you won’t hate it, but you also won’t have any desire to ever try it again. It probably won awards back in it's day.
Swansea City – Gwynt Y Ddraig ‘Gold Medal’ Cider
Yes, it’s a cider in a beer list – like seeing a Welsh club in the English League. Anyway, it tastes of very mouldy apples and I don’t care for it – but if you do you can pick up a bottle in Farmfoods. Probably.
Blackpool – Thornbridge ‘Satzuma’
A beer that is made with a lot of orange flavouring, from a brewery that punches above it’s weight but would need investment to compete with the big boys.
Bristol City – Bristol Beer Factory ‘Fortitude’
Fortitude seems apt, as Bristol City share many traits with this robust local ale. They have re-established themselves as a solid Championship club, able to keep themselves going against sides with bigger budgets and surviving numerous questionable managerial appointments. They fly under the radar though and can’t really compete with bigger names at the top end of the table.
Hull – Hallelujah Brewing ‘Bless The Barley’
A beer that came into existence as the winner of a homebrew reality TV show, with a neat little orange label. Not a style that traditionally sells well with UK drinkers, being as you can’t drink a lot of it.
Cardiff – Tiny Rebel ‘Cwtch’
A complex beer that isn’t to everyone’s taste and even makes some feel ill. The brewery have been in trouble with their branding in the past, which upsets traditional drinkers.
Birmingham City – Dig Brew ‘23-19’ Sour Ale
A band-wagon jumping ‘Modern’ craft ale, but in a style that no-one actually likes. Tastes like lemon fairy dishwater, after you’ve cleaned the plates in it. Handily it also has a predicted league finish for Birmingham in it’s name, too.
Reading – Wainwright Golden Ale
A beer with a very long heritage that doesn’t taste particular interesting, doesn’t have an interesting story behind it and will never top any ‘best-seller’ or ‘best rated’ lists. In fact it’s just very, unremarkably dull.
Derby County – Beatnikz Republic ‘Kentucky Riot’
A Stout from a Brewery which hit financial trouble and ceased trading in 2022, unable to meet it’s tax bill and blaming it the impact of the pandemic. I could have chosen ANY of their beers for this metaphor, but that bloke from Kentucky wants to move them to Stoke and their fans are ready to riot, so I couldn’t resist.
Peterborough – Oakham Ales ‘Citra’
A pale ale that enjoyed a prolonged period of praise for it’s style and quality, but really ran out of steam once it found itself being sold in Supermarkets, where it couldn’t compete with bigger names, and was overtaken by it’s competitors.
Barnsley – Acorn ‘Barnsley Bitter’
And yes, they are…but you would be too if you couldn’t even finish ahead of Derby or Peterborough
However, in my ongoing quest to raise even the slightest wry smile using my immense wit...I present to you the completed list.
(And yes, I've recycled a lot of these from the matchday threads I did write, but nothing goes to waste in the Hut of Congo, so consider this an anthology, or a best of with some new tracks mixed in...you get what you pay for).
Fulham – Super Bock
Portraying itself as a trendy, sophisticated, continental lager – but tasting just like every other bland, mass produced lager – Super Bock is rather over-carbonated and unlikely to ever really compete with the ‘Premier League’ lagers.
AFC Bournemouth - Bacchus Kriek
A beer that conveys an image of cool, continental sophistication and looks like it will be a lovely refreshing drink, is nothing but a very sour disappointment, tasting nothing like beer or cherries and is presented in unnecessarily showy packaging. You’d think it would only be available in trendy craft beer shops, with a bloke sporting a massive beard behind the counter, at £10 for a 250ml bottle, but is actually available in Sainsburys for £2.50.
Nottingham Forest – Shipstones Original
It had to be didn’t it? A once proud Nottingham Tradition, that fell on hard times, with the recipe trading hands between several breweries who valued the brand name but didn’t understand the beer. Now back in the hands of a business that knows what it is all about and trying hard to restore this beers’ fine heritage. Did I mention it’s the tastiest beer on this list?
Huddersfield – Magic Rock ‘Dark Arts’ Stout
Looks tempting doesn’t it? This rich stout will lure you in with seductive, smooth and deep chocolate flavours…just one more Dave…until you wake up next morning with a raging hangover and the shits.
Sheffield United – Stones Bitter
Old, long established and bitter. You can’t quite believe it’s still around as you thought it was retired long ago. Yet, there it is.
Luton – Beavertown ‘Neck Oil’
A beer from a small craft brewery that sells well enough to compete with much bigger rivals, whilst remaining a bit quirky. Has recently tarnished it’s image with rumours that it has been using cheapened ingredients.
Middlesbrough – Wychwood ‘Hobgoblin’
A ruby ale, that enjoyed being a period of being a top selling ale for a while, until other Breweries moved in other, more successful directions and left them behind.
Millwall – Fuller’s ‘London Pride’
Self-declared ‘Pride of London’, with a enough devoted drinkers to keep the name alive, despite the Brewery having sold it’s soul to the mass-producing global beer devil some years ago.
Blackburn – Thwaites ‘Lancaster Bomber’
A not particularly interesting traditional ale, which makes a big deal back of being brewed in Blackburn, but has now changed hands amongst several millionaires and lost all of it's character.
West Brom – Sadler’s ‘Peaky Blinder’ Pale Ale
A flavourless attempt at a pale ale, that sells well due to it’s association with a TV program beloved by people obsessed with a certain period history but out of touch with reality.
Coventry – Marstons ‘Old Empire’ IPA
An old, long-established beer that has had production moved around several breweries by an owner that didn’t understand how much this damaged its character and reputation. Still, it’s pretty strong and it has a random elephant on the bottle.
QPR – Camden Hells
A beer that has been around forever, but tries hard to separate itself in a crowded market by presenting itself as being new, modern and trendy. The irony is, it’s a decent beer that should really be focused on it’s substance instead of being preoccupied with style.
Stoke – Titanic Plum Porter
A beer that enjoyed a short period of success, winning awards despite being quite niche and against the current trends. Faded from prominence as the ingredients have been cheapened and replaced by artificial and over-sweet substitutes, to the point that it’s barely drinkable.
Preston – Greene King IPA
A beer that just seems to exist. It’s always available in every pub and supermarket, yet you never see anyone drinking it. When you do try it, it’s so unremarkable that you won’t hate it, but you also won’t have any desire to ever try it again. It probably won awards back in it's day.
Swansea City – Gwynt Y Ddraig ‘Gold Medal’ Cider
Yes, it’s a cider in a beer list – like seeing a Welsh club in the English League. Anyway, it tastes of very mouldy apples and I don’t care for it – but if you do you can pick up a bottle in Farmfoods. Probably.
Blackpool – Thornbridge ‘Satzuma’
A beer that is made with a lot of orange flavouring, from a brewery that punches above it’s weight but would need investment to compete with the big boys.
Bristol City – Bristol Beer Factory ‘Fortitude’
Fortitude seems apt, as Bristol City share many traits with this robust local ale. They have re-established themselves as a solid Championship club, able to keep themselves going against sides with bigger budgets and surviving numerous questionable managerial appointments. They fly under the radar though and can’t really compete with bigger names at the top end of the table.
Hull – Hallelujah Brewing ‘Bless The Barley’
A beer that came into existence as the winner of a homebrew reality TV show, with a neat little orange label. Not a style that traditionally sells well with UK drinkers, being as you can’t drink a lot of it.
Cardiff – Tiny Rebel ‘Cwtch’
A complex beer that isn’t to everyone’s taste and even makes some feel ill. The brewery have been in trouble with their branding in the past, which upsets traditional drinkers.
Birmingham City – Dig Brew ‘23-19’ Sour Ale
A band-wagon jumping ‘Modern’ craft ale, but in a style that no-one actually likes. Tastes like lemon fairy dishwater, after you’ve cleaned the plates in it. Handily it also has a predicted league finish for Birmingham in it’s name, too.
Reading – Wainwright Golden Ale
A beer with a very long heritage that doesn’t taste particular interesting, doesn’t have an interesting story behind it and will never top any ‘best-seller’ or ‘best rated’ lists. In fact it’s just very, unremarkably dull.
Derby County – Beatnikz Republic ‘Kentucky Riot’
A Stout from a Brewery which hit financial trouble and ceased trading in 2022, unable to meet it’s tax bill and blaming it the impact of the pandemic. I could have chosen ANY of their beers for this metaphor, but that bloke from Kentucky wants to move them to Stoke and their fans are ready to riot, so I couldn’t resist.
Peterborough – Oakham Ales ‘Citra’
A pale ale that enjoyed a prolonged period of praise for it’s style and quality, but really ran out of steam once it found itself being sold in Supermarkets, where it couldn’t compete with bigger names, and was overtaken by it’s competitors.
Barnsley – Acorn ‘Barnsley Bitter’
And yes, they are…but you would be too if you couldn’t even finish ahead of Derby or Peterborough
