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Bloody hell it's all kicking off this afternoon!

Which one is closing down faster - Danilo in midfield, or this shop outside Vic centre?

Football is more rigged than WWE. Stuart Atwell will be twatting Nuno with a steel chair 2nd half. They aren't even trying to hide their bias.

Right then. The club needs to work fast to get the fans back on board. I say we quickly announce the permanent signing of Divock Origi to appease the naysayers.

April Points: 4 Goal Difference: -4 Top Scorer: Wood

Relax, all is not lost yet - We'll bring on our decent attacking players when we're 3-0 down with 20 minutes left to play to salvage something from the game.

We need to send a goodwill ambassador to the Benfica fan forums to apologise for the disdain we gave their fans on here when they warned us about this chap.

March Points: 4 Net goals: -3 Top scorer: Awoniyi

Toffolo, Yates and Reyna on for Felipe, Danilo and CHO, please.

[This Reply Has Been Moderated For Its Reference To "The Dog's B*llocks"]

So this is how we play without our star man Nuno Tavares... We need him back ASAP.

Damn. 1-0 Watkins. I'm still confident we can get back into this.

West Ham sold their soul when they left their ground to move to that athletics track. What are they now? A nothing club in a stolen stadium with no atmosphere... ran by a porno goblin and that large headed lady off The Apprentice. And their team looked crap too. Worst we've played all season?

You just know Vlach will turn up again in a few years and have the game of his life against us for whatever obscure European team we draw in the Europa League.

Ah yes, a new episode of "Queer Eye for the Sheikh Guy".

Please God please can we sign more players like this and no more of the likes of Origi or Jonjoke?

"Right Vangelos, how can we make our last-minute purchase of Che Adams look like a good bit of business?"

We need to stop going back in for club legends just because they performed for us years ago.

February Points: 6 Net goals: 0 Top Scorer: Awoniyi

"The post" can be his new nickname. It's fitting.